After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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