sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
