quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
