He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize