someone threw a dead crab at me
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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