i wish my penis had a tongue
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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