I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
