The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
