if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
