someone get that fucking seahorse.
Farmville is her only friend.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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