I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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