I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
