so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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