Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
