He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
