if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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