She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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