Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
