Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
