ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
