Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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