I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
