I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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