I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Your face is a jimmy john
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
is it fun? or sober?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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