dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
