I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
