I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
