Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
