My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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