We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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