so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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