Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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