Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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