we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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