Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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