If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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