what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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