i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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