I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel like death gave me a hand job
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
