I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
