In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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