Define "chronic" masturbator.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
