i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
