Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
