Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
