we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
