I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
