I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
