I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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