Tell her she can't have a vagina
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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