so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
