omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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