I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
