How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
