Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
