...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize