I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
