My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
