okay pat passed out under dana's car
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
