I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
