Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
