I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
